Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were not hung by the chimney this year,
we had hopes that unemployment checks soon would be here.
The members of congress were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of corporate welfare danced in their heads.
Mamma Pelosi in her Victoria's Secret Gown, had just settled her brain with a stiff shot of Royal Crown.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the toilet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
a little bit stoned and spilling my stash.
The moon on Nancy's breasts like the new-fallen snow
gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature John Boehner with a six pack of beer!
With a drunken blond by his side, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment she was gonna be sick.
More rapid than IRS agents his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now McConnell! now, Cantor! now, Wilcox and Harris!
On, Garret! On, Flake! On, McHenry and Poe!
To the top of the Hill! To the top of congress we go!
Now steal the money! Take away all!"
They were so drunk I saw one of them fall.
Only dry leaves remained before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, they mount to the sky.
So up to the house the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Bush Tax Cuts and Lobby cash too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little goof.
As I scratched my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney John Boehner came with a bound.
He was dressed all in leather, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes wreaked of liquor and were tarnished with soot.
Ten Kilos of earmarks he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, selling his sack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! His nipples so hairy!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
He votes like a crook and he cries like a Mary!
His drooling little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
His moustache was white from Columbian blow.
The stump of a crack pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had an orange face and a fat man's belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly orange elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
With a tear in his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me the creeps and filled me with dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Republicans love him but he's really a jerk.
He fills corporate pockets, buys votes on the floor
When it comes to tobacco he will throw in a whore.
While digging his finger inside of his nose,
he snorted hard liquor, then up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like Prom Queens in a tissle.
I heard him cry, 'ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Unemployment to all, I am such an ass bite!"
Based on Twas the night before Christmas ~ Clement Clarke Moore (1779 - 1863) and butchered by me on Dec.12, 2010